TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it could come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Certainly, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city historically noted for historical lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be huge. Large!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed with the putting inexperienced inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've had attractive ceasefires in Syria. A number of the greatest. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely outside of put. Designed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A 3-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Along with a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable water. But Certainly, confident, let us have An additional location where American Males can wear robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace try since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though previous negotiations failed below the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is simpler: offer everyone a set around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is comfortable ability," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock needs much less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms put in in Each and every device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest famous, "It's not that Trump should not open up a tower within a war zone. It truly is that he should really cease employing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regard to the undertaking, replied, "You already know, person, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Great people today. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long Trump Tower Damascus term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."



Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the lodge's landscaping sorts a large Trump head visible from Room, a aspect becoming marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and also the chin is… effectively, categorized.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits right after obtaining the constructing's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established hearth to an area melon cart.


"It truly is not just unattractive. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Baffling Capabilities


Probably the strangest component of your tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium where guests may ponder vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with weather Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Area Syrians are Doubtful what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Strategy: "If You Bomb It, They may Come"


The ad campaign, lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Forever."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "wherever's the closest elevator to the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The challenge is by now attracting notice from international traders, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll get a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount can even consist of:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to see a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a hotel exactly where my PTSD might have change-down support."


Yet another publish from @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reviews counsel:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to construct a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Ultimate Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide formed much like the Structure. I gave it all three. You are welcome."

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